I am here today to announce my candidacy for president of the United States. I want to join the elite and become a multi-millionaire by shaking down businesses for campaign contributions, like so many others before me.
Unlike my fellow politicians, I will be honest with you: I pledge to raise the national debt by another $4 trillion by spending $1 trillion more than we take in every year of my first term.
On my first day in office, in the spirit of national unity, I will dissolve Congress so that we’ll have no unpleasant disagreements about the way I’m running the country. Maybe I’ll dissolve the Supreme Court, too — whatever gave them the idea that they can declare laws unconstitutional, as if some 250-year-old document was sacred?
I will declare that every American is required to go through a medical regime including a list of vaccines prepared by Pfizer, Moderna, and seven other major contributors to my campaign. To combat food insecurity, I will limit each couple to one baby for the foreseeable future, and to cope with future deficits in the Social Security system, all persons shall report to transitioning camps on their 72nd birthday to be humanely euthanized. Of course, I and other members of my administration, as well as members of the former Congress and Supreme Court, will be exempt from that executive order because I’ll need their wisdom to guide me as we move this country in a brave new direction to the future.
Of course this is an April Fool’s Day announcement. If only every political proclamation was.
