Allen the Alien, Chapter 1

Allen realized at once that he was not like the others. Would they notice? From the images they’d seen from the starship, it had been clear that these earthlings looked very much like themselves — amazing to discover that life appeared on this planet in a form similar to their own — but the small differences had not been obvious.

He sidled up to another duck who was not quite like the others.

“Hi! I’m Allen,” Allen said. “I’m, um, new around here.”

The other duck looked him over, his eyes lingering on Allen’s antennae and his almond eyes.

“Good to meet you. I’m Duckzilla,” said the other duck, who had spiky scales on his head and down his back. “Welcome to the neighborhood.”

Now Allen faced a decision. Should he explain that he was an emissary, one of a team of travelers from another star system? Or should he withhold that information until he could ascertain whether this “Earth” had a civilization advanced enough to accept a visitor from outer space?

He chose caution.

“So what’s it like around here?” Allen asked as if he was a newcomer hoping to settle and assimilate.

“Oh, we’re ducks,” Duckzilla said warily. “I’d guess we’re the same everywhere.”

“You’d be surprised,” said Allen. “What do you folks do for fun?”

“We line up in a row a lot,” said another duck nearby. “Hi, I’m Griselda. Where are you from? I don’t recognize the accent.”

“I come from a long way away,” Allen smiled. “You’ve probably never heard of it.”

“Try me,” Griselda said sweetly.

Allen thought of the farthest place he could imagine on the other side of this planet. “It’s near a city called Osaka.”

“I knew it!” Griselda squealed. “I thought you kind of looked Japanese.”

Duckzilla looked at her askance. “Trust me, Griselda, he doesn’t look Japanese at all.”

There was an awkward silence.

Ready, begin

This is not a drill.

“This is reality, Greg.” E.T. can’t just beam up to his ship. The 40 pounds won’t just melt off. My books and songs won’t fly off the shelves — “If you build it, they will come” only works in that other movie. A sick dog won’t heal herself. I have to do the work.

Ready, set, go.

Hello? Off your duff. Ready, set, go. Jumping jacks — ready, begin. OK, maybe not jumping jacks. But move. Now.

Then what?

It will be interesting to see what happens in the afterlife. Don’t get me wrong — I am in no hurry. I have no desire to leave this earthly plane anytime soon, and if I suddenly die, feel free to investigate any and all conspiracy theories.

I just wonder what happens when we depart our earthly vessels — what becomes of our souls, will we “learn all the answers,” will we be able to find and communicate with lost loved ones — do we really meet Peter at the gate or have a session with Jesus before anything else — if we all face Jesus, he must be a busy guy, although he is the infinite God, after all.

It’s just a healthy curiosity rather than something morbid — really. I am fully invested in staying on this side of the grass as long as I can. (Although if I was “fully” invested I would be exercising and obsessively trying to lose that weight, wouldn’t I? I can say, at least, that I’m invested in the idea.)