Facebook Memories reminded me Sunday that on Jan. 25, 2009, I wrote that I still think Plan 9 From Outer Space has the best opening line ever. I don’t think I’ve changed my mind in the intervening 16 years.
Of all my guilty pleasures, Plan 9 From Outer Space may be my guiltiest. Written, produced and directed by the infamous Ed Wood, this lowest of low-budget science fiction movies featured Bela Legosi, Vampira and Tor Johnson in a cautionary tale about grave robbers from outer space who try to stop Earth from developing a weapon that could destroy the universe itself.
For decades it has routinely appeared on lists of the worst movies ever made, but it does indeed have the best opening line in cinematic history. (This, of course, is my humble opinion.)
The movie opens with The Amazing Criswell, whom Wikipedia describes as “an American psychic known for wildly inaccurate predictions,” in silhouette behind a banner reading “Criswell Predicts.”
“Greetings, my friends,” Criswell says and then steps into immortality:
“We are all interested in the future for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.”
Criswell delivers this line with such gravitas and sincerity that it’s not until later that we realize how absurdly obvious it is. He sets the tone for an absurd movie that is delivered in all seriousness.
“All you of Earth are idiots,” the alien leader cries, and he’s absolutely right. We did develop a society where every new invention that could create paradise on Earth is instead converted into a weapon of mass destruction. But this fable is executed so poorly that we laugh heartily rather than contemplate our mortality.
And perhaps that’s for the best. As we teeter on the edge of destruction, perhaps it’s better to laugh than to cry. Perhaps we deserve to be mocked rather than taken seriously.
Because remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future.
